Four (4) Steps When You Hear “Your Song” During and After Divorce

To help you move forward and begin to feel more grounded, I have enlisted the help of my good friend, Jennifer Sutton. Jennifer has a toolbox of practices to help you regain your sense of personal power.

Some of the ideas may seem foreign but take a chance on seeing what modality or concept resonates with you. It’s a journey and you are going to get there! I believe in you and know, after seeing countless clients recover, that it’s possible to make it to the other side.

If you are facing or have faced divorce, ask yourself these questions:

  • Do you run out of stores crying when “your song” comes on?
  • Do you feel regret, sadness, or anger when you hear that song that used to be the love song of your relationship?
  • Would you like to feel safe hearing it, again?

Music elicits emotion in most people. Couples usually have at least one song they consider “our song” and many use that song in their wedding ceremony or as their first official dance during the reception. And it feels wonderful, loving, and hopeful!

What happens when the relationship ends?

The process of divorce is rarely a smooth tune especially if you have been dealing with a narcissist or toxic spouse. Many folks have what they consider to be negative reactions every time they hear that song for years (maybe even decades!) to come. Sometimes they never feel safe hearing it. In other cases, if the person is lucky, the song is brought back to life when they fall in love with someone new and the subject of the love story has shifted, and being in love feels strong and safe, again.

The song is just another representation of your personal power in the situation. When you reclaim your heart, you can hear the song and enjoy it.

That sounds perfectly logical, but HOW do you do it?

Here are four (4) simple steps to reclaim your power, your heart, and your song:

  • Step 1: Take some deep breaths. Breathe in through your nose, slowly counting to four. Hold for a moment, then breathe out through your mouth, counting to six. Do three or four repetitions of this process, then relax back into your normal breathing pattern. This should help you create a calm feeling in your body.
  • Step 2: Decide how you WANT to feel when you hear the song. Do you want to feel safe? Peaceful? Happy? Joyful? Choose how you want to feel and then find a memory of a time you felt that way (not about the song, but any time you felt peaceful, happy, etc.). Let yourself go deep into that memory and let your body feel that peace or happiness as fully as you can in this moment.
  • Step 3: Bring positive curiosity into the situation while still feeling that feeling. Ask questions such as: “What if I can feel peaceful/happy (whatever your emotion is) hearing this song again?” or “Who would I be if I could enjoy this music again?” or even “What would it look like if I felt safe and empowered listening to this song?” Asking these questions will help your brain start searching for positive and empowering feelings immediately as well as when you hear the song!
  • Step 4: Celebrate immediately when you hear the song and feel a little better (or a lot better)! Say something like, “yes, thank you, more please!” or just notice the better feeling and do a little thank you dance (physically or just in your imagination)–whatever you want to do to mark the change so your brain realizes it’s the preferred response. This will make it more likely that your brain will jump to this response the next time you hear the song and the time after that. And eventually, you will forget how bad it used to feel when that song came on.

This is a very simple and powerful process that can help you shift all aspects of your divorce (and other areas of your life) so that you feel your own power and you are living in your own choice, rather than falling into reactions that don’t feel as good for you.

Try it out and let me know what happens! Connect with me at

Author: Jennifer Sutton

Located in the Finger Lakes Region of Central New York, Jennifer Sutton facilitates the transformation of individuals and groups using art, tapping, curiosity, brain training, and laughter to help release limiting negative self-talk patterns as well as physical/emotional pain and create more personal peace, safety, and self-confidence. Jennifer offers individual and group coaching as well as training opportunities in person and/or virtually. Sought out for her deep expertise in the well-being space, Jennifer is known for her warm, empathic, and fun facilitation and presence. Connect with Jennifer at