You are so tired of the lies, the accusations, the full-on gaslighting. You find yourself defending yourself with each narcissist conversation and driving yourself crazy by thinking of ways you may have screwed up. I want you to stop it. You don’t have to defend yourself any longer. When you are faced with groundless accusations your first instinct will be to defend yourself vehemently. It doesn’t do any good!
You are probably looking at the texts, emails, or communications in “My Family Wizard” thinking that the Judge or the opposing attorney will think it’s true if you don’t respond. That’s the case. It’s not evidence just because your narcissistic spouse or ex says it’s true. They can lay claim to several fantasies but without more than just them saying it, it’s not considered gospel.
Things Narcissists Say
For instance, I had a case where the husband was continually saying the mother wasn’t feeding the children. He would say ridiculous things like, “I should call social services because you are starving our kids”. When questioned on his basis for such baseless and fraudulent claims, he acknowledged that because Mom wasn’t sending him a detailed log of what she fed the kids, he said she wasn’t feeding the kids. She could have rallied and given in to his demands but ultimately, we decided to answer him as neutrally and simply as possible.
How To Communicate With A Narcissist
It’s not productive to spin your wheels answering ludicrous claims.
Since I have been working with clients who have dealt with narcissistic abuse, I have seen plenty of outlandish claims. They can take a toll on the person who is the brunt of the complaints. How to communicate with a narcissistic husband or partner is not easy. You want to make sure you tell your side of the story. There will be plenty of time for that. But don’t waste your time or your peace of mind telling the accuser. You know, as well as I do, they will never see your side of things. Never. It’s just an emotional drain on you that is needless. You’ve probably spent your entire relationship trying to prove yourself. No more.
Narcissist Communication Techniques
When they begin their senseless narcissist conversation, if there is a valid question, not like, “You’re starving our kids”, then answer it. Part of the standard parenting clauses, put in place by most local jurisdictions, promote communication between the parents. You can’t ignore every message. But you also don’t have to be harassed. I had one case where the Judge was so fed up with the number of emails and the sheer volume of words exchanged that he limited the word count between the parties. You may think that by ignoring the messages they will go away. That’s not likely. The last vestige of control your spouse may have is through your kids and so they are going to do their best to hang on.
If you haven’t heard of “grey rock” it’s a technique that’s proven useful in dealing with toxic people. Make all the interactions uninteresting and unrewarding. This means straightforward and non-emotional responses. You don’t want to give them any charge by engaging and arguing with them. Or they may turn to complementing you and talking about how much they love you to get your interest. It’s common for them to do both condemning and love bombing on the same day! If you don’t know what’s going on, often this is very confusing. How can they love me one day and hate me the next? It’s just further manipulation.
One client resorted to leaving daycare-like communications at exchange points. Telling the harassing spouse, the relevant information in bullet points. No more trying to explain over and over. If you have doctor’s appointments or school activities to relate to, give the information and don’t add any more information. Do your best to avoid any openings for arguments or exchanges. Give them what’s required and no more. Remember, they want to get you going. Your job is to keep your calm and to maintain your peace of mind. You are permitted to ignore all of the extraneous and just answer the basic questions.
My greatest wish for you is that you will be able to read their communications and see them for exactly what they are: grasping for control, supply, an emotional charge, and not a genuine effort at co-parenting.